


you say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out

by caryophyllaceae (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Death, Hypothermia, M/M, Nightmares, Trauma, apocalypse au, limbs get cut off, murder (for good purpose and for bad), tagged graphic depictions of violence for safety matters, that's pretty much why it's mature, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 14:31:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7511914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/caryophyllaceae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>❝dear friend, here we are again pretending<br/>to understand how you think your world is ending<br/>sending signals and red flags in waves<br/>it's hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days<br/>i'll pray that one day you see<br/>the only difference between life and dying<br/>is one is trying, that's all we're going to do<br/>so try to love me and i'll try to save you❞</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>You only need to get to California. That's it. If you make it there, you're guaranteed safety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out

**Author's Note:**

> this is a shitton of angst with a SUPER DUPER happy ending. :)
> 
> title + description lyrics are from "lovely" by twenty one pilots.

She’s sitting in the passenger’s seat with a stone-cold look on her face, he’s crying in the backseat, she’s breathing so hard that you’re worried she might have an asthma attack, and you’re gripping the steering wheel so hard that your knuckles have turned white. She clears her throat. When she talks, it sounds like she hasn’t had a drink of water in months, which is sort of true but not fully. She has water sometimes. Not a lot, though. “There is a grocery store a few miles from here,” she tells you, because you’re in New York now. You’re in her territory, so she knows it like the back of her hand. “I cannot assure that they have food, but they may.”

You nod slowly and start driving. You have to squint against the sunlight because you lost your sunglasses a few miles back. They dropped off of your face because they were worn out because you’d been wearing them since you were thirteen, and as you reached to get them back someone came running. You had no choice but to get back into the car and slam the gas to get away, because you can’t trust anyone nowadays. Not after the end. “Do you think they’ll have dog food at the store?” She asks, because her dog has been whimpering for days now and all of you are sure it’s because he’s hungry. All he lives off of is leftover food from each of you, since none of your appetites are very big anymore. Table scraps.

“Maybe, Jade.” You respond, keeping your eyes trained on the road. Rose tells her that she’s sure there will be dog food, but you know that Jade doesn’t believe her. She never does anymore. She doesn’t really believe any of you. You take a breath through your nose and ask John how he’s feeling.

Through hiccuped sobs, he replies, “Okay.” It’s a dirty lie. None of you are fine anymore. Rose has bags under her eyes and Jade’s face is sinking, and you can see John’s ribs whenever he takes his shirt off to bathe in whatever random shower or bath or even river you’ve found.

“Yeah, okay,” you give back, trying not to sound sarcastic or mean but knowing you do. This only serves to make him cry more, and you can feel Jade and Rose’s eyes boring on the side and back of your head. John was always the sensitive one. He liked pranks and movies but he was always soft, so when you spoke to him you always had to tread lightly. The last thing you ever wanted to do was upset him, but you’re kind of a natural dick, so you can’t help it. “Will y’all stop lookin’ at me like that? John can deal, he’s a big boy.”

You say things you don’t mean to sometimes. What you just said is one of those things. “Stop the car. Right now.” You hear John say, and his voice is hoarse. You stop the car because you love John Egbert and you do anything and everything he says, even if what he says is ridiculous and unnecessary. “Dave, get out of the car.” He orders, and you listen.

As soon as your feet hit the ground, he punches you right in the nose. You’re pretty sure you deserved that. He’s only five feet tall and he’s weak from not eating so the punch doesn’t hurt very much, but you bet it will still leave a mark. You stand and dust your clothes off. John is glaring at you but he’s still squinting. His glasses broke while you passed through San Francisco and you couldn’t do anything to get them back. “Don’t do this with me, Dave.”

You know exactly what he’s talking about.

“I’m sorry.” You say.

He breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth. You can see his ribs through the shirt he’s wearing. It’s two sizes too small but you found it at a Kmart a few miles back and it was the only thing they had left. He chose to wear it because his other shirt was in tatters, anyway. He didn’t have much of a choice. “I know,” he says. Then he’s standing on his tiptoes to kiss you because you’re a whole foot taller than he is. Once he’s back on his feet he rests his head against your chest. “I love you.”

You swallow your heart and respond, “Love you, too.”

He lets you go and gets back into the car. You clear your throat to stop yourself from crying and climb into the driver’s seat. Rose offers to take over driving, because the two of you switch shifts, but you tell her that you’re fine for now. You drive over the speed limit but it doesn’t really matter. It isn’t like there are any cops to stop you. As Rose had said, you come across a grocery store after two more miles. All four of you get out of the car even though one of you ‘ought to stand outside and guard it, but none of you like to be separate from each other.

The grocery store is already torn through. Jade goes off to try and find dog food, Rose goes off to try and find food and drinks for the four of you, and you and John try to find him a different shirt because sometimes grocery stores actually sell them. You manage to come across a green shirt after circling the store a few times. It’s a few sizes too big but John puts it on anyway, and it makes you feel better because you can’t see his ribs anymore.

Both of you head off to find Jade and Rose. There’s some broken glass on the way, so you have to pick John up and carry him. Your shoes are almost scraps, Jade’s are mostly busted up and broken at the seams, and Rose’s are still kind of in-tact but they’re covered in dirt. John is the only one without shoes. He lost them when you passed through Ohio.

You set him down when you get to the other side, but he stays glued to you. It doesn’t take you long to find Jade and Rose, and when you find them they’re each holding a bag and standing over something. “Hey, what’s so interestin’?” You ask, stepping forward. Jade and Rose look back at you and part, and between them is a dead body. Oh, fuck. No. John saw it, didn’t he? You look at John and see clearly that he’s started crying, so you tug him to your chest and make sure his eyes are covered. Jade and Rose apologize profusely. “‘S okay, John. You’re okay.”

Ever since John found his dad’s dead body when you took a stop in Pennsylvania, he hasn’t been able to look at one since. He always has a breakdown if he does. You know this is one of those times where he’s going to have a breakdown because he starts sobbing into your chest. Fuck. “Let’s get outta here.” You say to Rose and Jade. They nod in return. You know John won’t be capable of walking so you scoop him up in your arms. He keeps his face against your arm and sobs into your shoulder.

The car is gone when you step outside. “Fuck! Are you fucking _kidding_ me?” Jade shouts when she sees the empty spot where you’d parked the car. With a deep sigh, you tell them you’ll have to travel on foot until you can find a different car. Jade huffs and Rose sighs because none of you are strong enough for that, but when you start walking they follow. John is still sobbing into your chest, breathing unevenly. You’re afraid he’ll have an asthma attack and die. You lost his inhaler in Colorado.

You don’t find a car until you make it all the way outside of New York. It’s a silver Toyota. John’s asleep by that point, so you offer to drive, but Rose waves you off and tells you she can. Jade calls the passenger seat even though you were going to willingly give it to her. You set John down and crawl into the backseat. He curls into your side and you put your arms around him. “Get to Florida.” You tell Rose, because you know it’s going to be warm there. She gives you an affirmative nod and starts driving. You pray that the car has enough gas to get you there.

John wakes up an hour into the drive. He blinks his eyes a few times and looks up at you with a dopey smile on his face. “Hi, Dave,” he says. You smile at him in return and kiss his head. “Where next?”

“Florida,” you tell him. “It’ll be warm there.”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Disney World!” He says excitedly. You smile lightly and tell him that you’re definitely going to check out Disney World when you get there. He falls asleep for the rest of the ride and you wake him up when you get to Florida. Rose had driven the extra miles so she could end up at Disney World, but you aren’t sure you want John to see it. The place is wrecked. You know that they’ve been through it.

But it’s too late now, because he’s already woken up. “Are we at Disney World?” He asks tiredly. You swallow the lump in your throat and nod. He gives you a brilliant smile, bigger than any of the ones he’s given you since this all started, and steps out of the car. You follow. It’s horrible, though, because you get to see his face drop when he sees the park. You also get to see his lip wobble, and then you get to see the tears start coming.

“Fuck, John, I’m so sorry,” you say, even though it isn’t really your fault that they trashed Disney World. You’re around the car with your arms around him in no time flat. He sobs against your neck and you bite back your own tears. You’re a Strider. Your Bro would tell you that you “ain’t got no reason to cry” so you don’t. “It’s okay. It’s...listen, we can find Disneyland, okay? It’s way better than Disney World, you don’t even know, bro.”

You’re just throwing things around to calm him down. You’ve never been out of Texas aside from that once you went to visit John in Seattle because you’d saved up money from mowing lawns for two years just so you could go see him. You know nothing about Disney World or Disneyland.

“I hate to make this moment even worse,” Rose chimes in. “But it seems we are out of gas. We’ll have to stay here for the night until we are able to travel to find a new car in the morning.”

You ask John if he’s okay with that and he nods against your shoulder. Rose and Jade nod in return, and then they step out of the car. Rose tells you she’s been to Disney World before and explains that there are a few different parks, and her favorite one was always Magic Kingdom, so that’s the one she’d decided to stop at. You give a nod and the four of you head into the park together. You’re carrying John because some of the rides were made out of wood and he might get a splinter if he walks. He used to at least have socks, but they were covered in holes so he threw them out of the window in Illinois.

A few rides are still in-tact. You aren’t sure if they work or not. Rose says that the four of you can stay in the It’s a Small World ride, and that she can lead you there. She waits for a reply from one of you. Jade replies before you can. “Lead the way, Rose!” She cheers, trying to be excitable like her usual self, but she just sounds tired now.

It doesn’t take very long to get to the It’s a Small World ride. It seems that they hadn’t really been interested in this ride, because it’s mostly still set up. Jade’s dog, Bec, seems very hesitant to step inside of it, but when Jade does he follows. She orders him to sit and then sits beside him and pulls a bag of dog food out of the bag she’d gotten at the grocery store. She has no bowl, so she has to put it on the floor. “I found a few bags of chips, a box of swiss rolls, and an eight pack of apple juice.” Rose says, pulling the aforementioned items out of the bag. You set John down on the ground and drop beside him.

Rose doles out the food. She says that you’re all very lucky, because she had managed to find four bags of chips and that means you can all have your own. Jade scarfs down the bag but shares some with Bec, even though he has dog food. Rose eats hers slowly, and even saves some. You eat half of the bag before you feel sick to your stomach. John doesn’t eat anything at all, but he does drink some apple juice.

“Can we go see if any rides still work?” John asks you once he’s finished with his apple juice, and you look to Rose and Jade. They both shrug.

“Sure.” You tell him, picking him up from the ground. He wraps his arms around your neck and lets his legs hang freely. He’s short enough that his feet aren’t even close to touching the ground when he does it. He’s also light enough that him doing that doesn’t hurt at all. The two of you wander around the park until you stumble across a ride that is fully in-tact, even moreso than the It’s a Small World ride. John gasps when he sees it, and there’s a smile on his face so big that it hurts in your chest.

“It’s Space Mountain!” He nearly screams. “Dave, Space Mountain might actually work! I’ve always wanted to ride Space Mountain!”

You really hope Space Mountain still works, because you can’t disappoint John again. You’ve already done it enough. You step around some broken parts of other rides to get to Space Mountain. Once you’re inside the door, you step over to the controls and try to see if you can figure out how they work. It doesn’t take very long. There’s a huge on button and you’re afraid to touch it because you’re terrified that it won’t work. But when you touch the button, you hear the ride start up. You breathe a sigh of relief. “It works! Oh my gosh, Dave, it works!"

You stop the ride. “We’re gonna have to jump into the ride real quick since there ain’t no workers here to turn it on for us.”

John nods rapidly. You nod back, and then you push the on button. You’ve never been more thankful for flashstepping; you’d completely forgotten you could even do it, but you get into the ride way quicker than you would’ve running when you do. You set John next to you and buckle both of your belts.

The ride isn’t overly long, but that doesn’t matter, because John is smiling like he’d just won the lottery by the time it finishes. Your chest flutters. You unbuckle both of your belts and step out of the car first, picking John up in your arms after you step out. He lays in a different position this time, with his arms hanging freely and his head against your chest. You hold onto his thighs to support him so he doesn’t fall. “Hey, Dave. Which one of us do you think is going to die first?”

You stop in your tracks. How do you even answer that? You gulp and reply, “Whichever one of us gets the weakest, I guess.”

He doesn’t say anything else after that. Your walk back to the It’s a Small World ride is absolutely silent. Once you get there, you aren’t met by a pretty sight: Jade is laying down next to Bec, tears dripping on the ground next to her. Rose looks at a loss. You set John down on the ground and ask what’s going on. “Bec’s dying,” Jade tells you. “What do I do?”

You know the only thing she can do is let him die and make his last night meaningful. She knows that, too, but she isn’t going to admit it. She doesn’t say anything else after that, only lays on the ground with Bec. She falls asleep first, holding onto Bec’s paw. You know that he’ll be dead by morning. Rose and John do, too. Rose falls asleep next. John follows. Then you fall asleep, even though you never sleep very well because you’re too afraid that one of your friends is going to die while you’re in dreamland.

You wake up to John screaming.

It’s never good, waking up to your boyfriend screaming in terror. His eyes are still shut and you know he’s having a nightmare. Rose and Jade are both up, too. Rose is because she’s a light sleeper, and Jade is because she’s so worried and worked up about Bec that she probably wasn’t sleeping all that well to begin with. None of you want to wake John up because you’re afraid that he’s going to have one of his fits if you do. The three of you sit there for a minute and listen to him scream before you can’t stand it anymore, so you shake him by the shoulder until he wakes up. When he does his fist comes flying at your face and you catch his wrist before it can make contact.

He’s looking at you with wide eyes. He only does that for a second before he’s flying at you, swinging his arms around your neck and sobbing into your chest. “‘S okay, John. Was just a nightmare. It didn’t really happen.”

“I dreamt that all of you were killed and I was alone,” he sobs out. Your lungs feel like they’re falling apart. You can’t stand to see him like this. “Don’t leave me, please.”

His fingers are grappling at the neck of your shirt. Rose and Jade are sitting still, not even making a sound. They don’t even sound like they’re breathing. “I won’t. I promise, ‘m here forever, like a fungus, you ain’t gonna get rid of me.”

Rose clears her throat and breaks hers and Jade’s silence. “I do believe we should get going now. Traveling in darkness is always better. Much easier to hide from predators.”

You nod and stand. John curls against your chest and you keep your arms tight around him. Jade breathes in deep and leans down to press her ear to Bec’s chest. You can tell when she stands up completely stone-faced that he’s dead. Rose gathers up the leftover food from the things she’d found and they leave the dog food behind. Navigating out of Magic Kingdom is even harder in the dark, but you manage, somehow. You find a Disney World shirt along the way and once you’re on solid ground with no dangerous things to step on, you set John down and he changes into it. A goofy grin breaks out on his face even though there are tear tracks on his cheeks. “Disney’s great, huh?”

The three of you nod because there isn’t much else you can do. Your little posse starts walking down the sidewalk after a few quiet passing moments. Jade hasn’t cried yet, which is worrying you because Jade is usually very emotional about losing things she loves. None of you talk while you walk.

It happens after an hour.

You’re the first to be suspicious of something. You’re pretty sure you hear footsteps behind the four of you, but no one else hears them. You shrug it off and knock it up to you being tired and hungry. But after five minutes, the footsteps get heavier, and everyone can hear them. Rose whispers, “Run.” and that’s exactly what all of you do. John’s weak, though, so it isn’t long before he gets tired of running and almost collapses. You pick him up and keep going. He’s so light in your arms, and it makes the worries in your head grow. You think you’re going to get away, until you feel a rush of air go past you and then Rose is being tackled to the ground. “No!” Jade and John scream in unison, but it’s too late. The stranger already has a knife lodged into her windpipe. Blood spurts out of it and gets on Jade. She looks horrified.

You don’t know what to do. You’re good with a sword, but that isn’t helpful when you don’t have a sword. The stranger stands and turns the knife on Jade, and you know that you have to fight with your bare hands because you can’t lose both of them. You set John down and lunge at the guy, wrapping your hands around his neck. You push him to the ground and push your fingers heavy against his windpipe, trying to choke him to death. He manages to give a weak slash of his knife, which ends you with a pretty deep cut on your bicep. He dies after four minutes of you holding him down. Jade makes sure by checking his pulse.

“He’s dead.” She declares, standing from the ground. John is curled into himself. You can hear him crying. Oh, fuck, shit. He just saw you kill a man. That can’t be good for his psyche.

“John, it’s okay,” you try to assure, reaching out to touch him. He coils tighter into himself and scooches away from your hand. You give another try, reaching for his hair. “John, I did it to save Jade, not because I wanted to kill someone.”

John finally looks up. His eyes are red and he has tears running down his cheeks. They drip to the ground like rain. “I don’t care, Dave! You killed someone. You killed someone!”

Yep, way to go. You just scarred your boyfriend for life. Now he’s terrified of you. You offer to carry him, see what he says, and he denies you vehemently. “I’ll carry him, it’s fine.” Jade says, dusting stones off of her outfit and standing up. She scoops John up in her arms and he curls against her chest. You hate how small he looks. Jade starts walking again and you start following, until you stop at Rose’s body. You need to give her a proper burial. You pick her up and swing her over your shoulder even though you know you’re getting blood on your clothes.

You walk for what feels like a year even though it’s only days, or maybe weeks, before you stop in Mississippi. Jade finds another grocery store and gets more bags of chips and a full pack of Chips Ahoy. John is glued to her side and it makes your chest hurt. He nibbles on a cookie. Rose’s dead body is sitting next to the three of you and it’s a bit awkward. “We can bury her in the Mississippi River,” Jade offers. “I know a way to get down to the actual river, so we can sink her instead of throwing her over the bridge.”

You nod in agreement. John whispers that he thinks that’s a nice way to dispose of a body. The three of you finish eating, even though John doesn’t eat anything but a cookie, and then you start walking. It doesn’t take long before you reach the Mississippi River. Jade leads you down a path full of overgrown trees, and when you make it out of them you find yourselves right at the bank of the river. Jade holds her hands out for Rose’s body, and you give it over. She hunts for a few minutes, probably to find something to weigh the body down. She comes back with a piece of rope that she says she was “super lucky” to find, and a brick. She ties the rope to Rose’s ankle and then ties the rope to the brick.

You and John step forward, next to her. She sets Rose’s body gently down on top of the Mississippi. The three of you watch it sink together. John grabs your hand. He isn’t looking at you, but you can tell this is his unspoken way of forgiving you, of telling you that he knows you had no choice but to kill the man and that he’s thankful you saved his sister. Jade turns away from the river and writes in the mud by it, “In loving memory of Rose Lalonde.”

She smiles at her handiwork and wipes her finger off on her pants. Then the three of you head back through the foliage and get back to the road. The cut on your arm is burning. No one has seemed to notice it, though, which is a plus. The three of you walk halfway through Mississippi before you come across an old, beaten down pickup truck. Jade crawls in the driver’s seat to check on the gas tank. “Nice!” She calls, which you guess is positive. “The gas tank is full and the keys are in the engine! Climb in, guys.”

John tries to climb into the back but he can’t, so you lift him up and set him in the seat. You crawl in after him, and he sticks himself to your side like glue. Jade starts up the truck and starts driving. You’re pretty sure it’s best that she drives, because Jade’s grandpa had a pickup truck that she drove everywhere. She told you about it a few times.

Jade knows where the three of you have to make it for ensured safety. You need to get to California. Not long ago, you found an old TV that worked, just barely. You’d seen on the news that the Peixes Company, ran by Feferi Peixes, had opened a safe haven for survivors who were trying to escape from _them_ in California. Jade drives along for who-knows-how-long before she stops. “Gas tank’s almost empty. We’re going to have to walk again.”

You jump down from the pickup truck and lift John out of it. He tells you not to put him down, but he should know well enough by now that you weren’t planning on it. Jade starts walking first, apparently becoming the leader of your group. You don’t really mind. Being the leader is a heavy burden to bear, as you know already. The three of you don’t say a word while you walk, until Jade finds a Walmart with the automatic doors broken and says that the three of you should probably be safe here. Once you step inside you’re surprised to see that the store is immaculate. You guess they hadn’t really cared about Walmart. “Where are we?” John asks when you set him down on the ground.

Jade shrugs like she doesn’t know, but says, “Probably Oklahoma.”

“Who the fuck is there?” You hear someone call. John hides behind you. You don’t mind being his human shield. Jade doesn’t have a weapon, so she has to make do - she grabs the bb gun from the shelf beside her. She holds it up like she’s going to shoot until whoever had called out turns the corner like a human being and doesn’t seem like he’s out to kill you guys. “Woah, fuck. No, I’m a survivor, I’m trying to get to California, please don’t fucking shoot me.”

Jade lowers the bb gun. “What’s your name?”

“Karkat,” the guy answers. He’s got ginger hair and gray eyes and he’s as tall as you, but you’re sinewy with some muscle and this guy looks like he’s just made of muscle. “What about you and your friends there?”

“Jade,” she starts off, motioning to herself. “Dave, and John.” She finishes, sweeping her hand at you and John like you’re a prize on _The Price is Right._

Karkat nods, taking a step forward. “I found some food here, and blankets. You can stay the night if you want and then we can travel together.”

You’d rather not get another person to worry about, but Jade seems fully on-board with the idea and you aren’t going to argue. The four of you eat dinner together and shoot the shit. Karkat seems to take a liking to John, and you warn him that if he hits on him, you’re going to start a fight. You say it with a laugh and a joking tone, but you glare at him so that he gets that the message is not a joke at all. You fall asleep tangled with John and a hideous lime green comforter from the isle with all of the bedding.

In the morning, you wake up and eat hot dogs for breakfast. There’s a lot of food in the Walmart, and you can’t take all of it, so all of you hold as many bags as you can. John can only handle one. You know why.

Your walk is even slower than before because you’re all holding quite a lot of weight. “If we find a car, we’re going straight to California.” Karkat says. You aren’t sure if the gas can get you that far, but you hope it can. You stop after a while to eat again. John still doesn’t eat anything, and you’re starting to worry about him. You really hope he’ll eat something soon, because whenever he moves you can see his ribs protruding through the shirt he’s got on.

You start up walking again and find a delivery truck for Walmart. You guess it had been trying to get to the Walmart you guys just came from, but hell if you know. Karkat climbs in and says the gas tank is full, and then he offers to drive. You, Jade, and John pile into the passenger's seat, because the truck is huge. John is shivering during the entire ride, so you climb on the floor with him (he’d been nice enough to give up the seat to you and Jade) and pull him into your arms. It’s not exactly warm in Oklahoma, and it is February. Winter isn’t fully gone yet.

You hate how bony he is against you. You look over his entirely-too-thin body and notice that his fingertips are turning black at the edges. Holy fuck, no, this is not happening. “John, fuck, why did you not tell me about your fingers?” You ask. He shrugs and hides them underneath his legs.

“Because it isn’t really a big deal,” he says, even though it is a big deal. Monstrous, even. Hypothermia can kill people if it isn’t healed, and you know this. You’re pretty sure he knows that, too, but doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s going to die at sixteen. “I’m okay.”

He really isn’t. Jade sees a first aid store when you’re passing through Arizona, so Karkat stops the truck and lets her climb out to find something. John’s fingertips are black to the knuckle, now, and your stomach is churning. The cut on your arm is burning again, and you realize that you haven’t even looked at it since Rose died. When you look down at the cut, you feel bile rise in your throat. It’s outlined with red and your arm is swollen beyond all belief. You don’t think anyone has noticed it, until Jade climbs in and says, “We can do something about that infected cut of yours, too, Dave.”

Karkat drives for a while more before stopping again. “I think we’re in San Diego,” he says. You’ve never been more excited. That’s _so close_ to California. “We should be to the heart of California by tomorrow.”

Jade sprays something on your arm that makes it burn like hell, and then she slathers antibiotic cream on it and bandages it. Next she moves to John’s fingers. You know when she gulps that it can’t possibly be good. His hands are black to his wrists now. “John, I…” she stops. You can tell that whatever she has to say is a big deal, and that she can’t get it out. “I need to...I have to...I-I have to cut your hands off, or you’ll die.”

He nods like he understands. Jade pulls out some numbing spray and coats his hands in it the best she can, then she pulls out a huge pair of scissors that make you cringe. You look away because watching your boyfriend get his hands cut off is not your idea of fun. You only turn back when Jade gives you the okay. His hands are gone. All he has left are stumps. Jade has them wrapped up, but there is still blood on the bandages. Quite a lot, you might add. He crawls over to you on nothing but his knees and curls against your chest. You wrap your arms around him.

Jade and Karkat are asleep in no time, but John is still awake. “I think I’m going to die tonight, Dave.”

You breathe in sharply. “Don’t say shit like that. You’re gonna live and you’re gonna like it.”

He snorts a laugh against your shoulder. “Dave, it’s okay. Just let me go.”

“I _can’t_ ,” you force out. Fuck, you are going to cry. Frankly, you don’t even care by this point. “I love you and you’re literally the only person I’ve ever loved and the only person I will love, even if you die. Everyone else is gonna be a piece of shit compared to you. If you die I ain’t getting with anyone ever again. But you aren’t gonna die, okay? You’re gonna survive, we’re gonna get to California, and you’re gonna get proper medical care. Alright?”

John sighs quietly. “Okay, Dave. I love you.”

You gulp and nod. “I love you, too.”

He falls asleep before you do. It takes you longer than usual tonight, but you think that’s because you’re too worried about John dying. What if he does? What will you do then? You fall asleep worried, and you wake up early but everyone else is already awake. Jade is hovering over John and Karkat is standing behind her. You move out of the way. “What’re y’all doin’?” You ask, accent heavy because you just woke up.

“Checking,” Jade says. You ask her what she’s checking. “If he’s really dead.”

The bandages where his hands used to be are soaked through with blood. Jade has her ear to his chest and her finger to his wrist. She’s feeling for a pulse and listening for his heart. She pulls back with tears in her eyes, and you know it isn’t good. “Dave, he’s dead.”

You scream louder than you’ve ever screamed before and protest it until Jade and Karkat have to tell you to calm down. They have to scream over you to do it. You try your best to, and once you’re calm you start crying profusely and Jade looks at a loss. You know it’s because she’s never seen you cry before, ever, and seeing you do it is probably freaking her the fuck out.

“We have to bury him.” You say, and Jade nods solemnly in agreement. You offer to carry his body. Jade and Karkat carry what food they can, but because they’ve lost two people they can’t carry all of it. Jade climbs into the driver’s seat this time and offers to drive. Karkat climbs into the truck before you and sits on the ground. You don’t even have to set John down to climb up because he’s lighter than anything you’ve ever carried.

You sit with a deceased John Egbert on your lap for the five hours it takes to get to California from San Diego. You tell Karkat and Jade that the three of you should probably get to the center first. Hopefully, they’ll give you a place to bury John. It takes all of five minutes to walk there, and once you step inside you breathe the biggest sigh of relief you ever have before. You’re greeted by a short, pudgy woman with unbelievably long brown hair. “Hello! I’m Feferi Peixes, the founder of this place. Welcome to safety!” She greets.

The three of you breathe a long sigh of relief. “This boy is dead.” You say. It sounds horrible coming out of your mouth. Feferi gives a small frown and nods.

“So sorry for your loss, I’ll have him taken care of and given a nice tombstone,” she says, offering her arms out for his body. You kiss him on the head one last time and hand him over to her. “Make yourselves at home! You’re safe, here. We’re heavily guarded and locked, there’s no way anyone can get in.”

You make yourself at home.

You can’t think about the fact that you’re to safety, because all that’s really on your mind is that John is dead. You sit silent while Jade and Karkat talk for exactly thirty minutes before Feferi comes bursting out of the doors she’d gone through to take John away. “The boy is alive!” She shouts, and you have to ask her to repeat it because you can’t believe it at all. Jade is up on her feet in less than a second, and you aren’t far behind. Karkat stands just three seconds after you do, and then Feferi’s leading you through the double doors.

She leads you to the room at the end of the hall, and you’re cutting in front of Karkat and Jade to get inside, but neither of them seem to mind. Laying in the room on the bed is the one and only John Egbert. His hands are re-bandaged and you know that because there isn’t blood anywhere to be seen on them, and he has his eyes half-open but it’s enough because you can see the blue in them. You know he’s nearsighted as hell and can’t see who you are, so you step to his bed so he can. He smiles up at you. “Hi, Dave.”

You reply by falling over him and giving a heavy sob. He rubs your hair with his arm. “I missed you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> to be completely honest, i actually had a dream about me writing this exact fanfiction, which is where the idea is from. ha! it happens pretty often.
> 
> thank you for reading!
> 
> also, fuck, this is my longest oneshot i've ever written? damn!
> 
> \+ sorry i haven't answered comments! i usually post things and am off the website. i'll be answering them soon, don't worry, friends! <3


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